On the eve of Memorial Day Weekend I find that I am a bit melancholy and pensive in thoughts. I would guess this to be appropriate given the reason for the holiday. Being pensive is not a bad thing every now and then as it gives one a chance to get in touch with ones thoughts. So, here's a couple of things that have crossed my mind over the course of the last few days.
In the course of the recent "downs & ups" of my Adventure I have found that there are those that believe in you, those that write you off readily, and then there are the majority of folks that land somewhere in between. Likely the in-betweeners are the wisest of the groups. That way they are able to expect the outcome, whatever it may be and prepare for it as best as possible. I have to admit that my thoughts could have been described as in-between at times too. I found that I was unwavering in my will to fight the Beast to the end, but I also had to contemplate the end should it not turn out as I hoped it would. Think of it as looking at parallel paths to very different destinations. Its very disconcerting to think that way.
Recently I have found great strength in something my daughter Emily said to me. In fact it was just a couple of evenings ago. She flat out told me that the Beast is gone and that it is not coming back. Wow, I really love her resolve. She has this force of personality that really could will the Beast away. In fact, she is quite the force to be reckoned with all on her own. I am comforted that she has no doubts when avowing that the Beast is not coming back. There is no questioning in her voice, mannerisms, or resolve. Thus, she told me that those that are still scared of what the outcome might be, just need to be convinced that the Beast is gone, like she is. Then their fear will be gone too. Its all quite simple with Emily's resolve.
Understandably, there are others that may question Emily's conclusion a bit more. People with more life experience than my 16 year old daughter (can she really be that old) often times have more trouble simply believing. Some that have gone through this with me in an up-close-and personal way may find it difficult to simply accept. I'll admit that in the back of my mind (OK probably not all the way in the back of it) I too wonder if this is just a reprieve, or is the Beast really going to stay gone for good. I guess only time will tell for sure. However, I can not go forward in fear, otherwise I will not be able to enjoy my life. I need to go forward with Emily's resolve in my heart too. I need to really live, otherwise the Beast will have been able to exact a toll on me, my family, those that I love, my friends, and everyone that helped me through the tougher times. If I should waiver on this resolve, well, then there is some measure of defeat, and I can not accept that. I want things to get back to some form of normal again. Sure, there are some fairly obvious physical changes that will never get back to normal. After all, I will never be able to replace a lost stomach! However, I am gaining weight and I have goals in mind to help motivate my physical recovery. Now I need to add to that with more internal strength. More of Emily's resolve perhaps. Whatever it is, I know this, the strength (both internal and physical) will come! With this strength, my new normal will continue to evolve.
So, now that the "down & up" part of the Adventure seems to be on an "up" for the foreseeable future, I will start to use one of my lesser recited mantras (which I know I used when I was first diagnosed) a bit more: Watch me Live. And of course, the greatest revenge that I can take upon the Beast is to live well. Take that Beast!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The Word "Unremarkable"
When one thinks of the word "unremarkable" what comes to mind? Go ahead come up with an answer, see what it is. I think of boring, not noteworthy, staid, steady, usual, unexciting. If someone were to describe you or your loved one as unremarkable, I bet it would be at least a little bit insulting to your sensibilities. It sure would be to mine! I don't think anyone wants to be known as unremarkable.
However, when dealing with the world of CT scans, PET scans, and MRI's while searching for evidence of cancer (the beast), the word "unremarkable" is the holy grail of words. All us of cancer types crave this word on the radiology reports when they provide the evaluation of our scan films. The "unremarkable" word can send us into tizzy feelings of giddiness, unending smiles, large sighs of relief, tears, and it can provide a new lease on life. I have been awaiting this word ever since Drs TR & Sch as well as Tricia RN at NIH told me they can not find the cancer beast that was thought to have returned. Unfortunately, the 3-phase-super-di-duper CT scan did not provide the "holy grail" word, but rather the more frustrating word "inconclusive." So, off we went to get an highly focused MRI of my liver as another attempt to get an answer. An answer which would be remarkable no matter what it might end up being. Yesterday afternoon I received the results of that MRI.
I was sitting at my desk at work when the phone call from Tricia RN came in. She said that my MRI came back unremarkable and then went into a bunch of details which I tried to focus on. I kind of got lost in what was being said so I had to ask her to clarify things. Then clarity showed through, the fog lifted, the confusion dissipated. Tricia RN said that the results of the liver MRI show no sign of cancer. I had a clean MRI. Not inconclusive not so-so, but rather unremarkable ... clean ... no cancer indicated! Tricia RN said that in her line of work they don't get to give out good news often enough, and this was indeed good news. Talk about understatements! She then faxed me a copy of the MRI report which states "the liver is unremarkable." Never have there been better words written as a descriptor of me!
I waited until this morning to provide the answer to the blog because I wanted to tell my kids, mom, sister (and her family), Lori, Joan, David, Pete, TJ, Janette, and some other folks first.
As a reminder that this is still an ongoing adventure, and to be extra cautious, NIH wants me to return in one month to repeat CT scans of the chest, abdomen and pelvic area; a PET scan of the torso; and another MRI of the liver. This is actually appealing to me (in a demented, twisted sort of way) in that I want to stay on top of "the beast" and continue to keep it at bay. That way I can claim overall victory some day.
For those that may be curious, NIH also reviewed the Kaiser CT scan and Washington Hospital Center PET scan again and believe that what was picked up was waste material in the bowel as opposed to a cancerous mass. Tricia indicated that this possibility was mentioned in the original reports from these scans.
So, I continue on this cancer adventure striving for unremarkable. I hope that my fellow cancer fighters that I have been talking to (Tom K, Mary, Sheri to name a few) will get to "unremarkable" and some others (Toby, Molly, Judith to name another few) will be able to stay at "unremarkable." Its a pretty great place to be!
Life is Good .... even if described as unremarkable sometimes.
However, when dealing with the world of CT scans, PET scans, and MRI's while searching for evidence of cancer (the beast), the word "unremarkable" is the holy grail of words. All us of cancer types crave this word on the radiology reports when they provide the evaluation of our scan films. The "unremarkable" word can send us into tizzy feelings of giddiness, unending smiles, large sighs of relief, tears, and it can provide a new lease on life. I have been awaiting this word ever since Drs TR & Sch as well as Tricia RN at NIH told me they can not find the cancer beast that was thought to have returned. Unfortunately, the 3-phase-super-di-duper CT scan did not provide the "holy grail" word, but rather the more frustrating word "inconclusive." So, off we went to get an highly focused MRI of my liver as another attempt to get an answer. An answer which would be remarkable no matter what it might end up being. Yesterday afternoon I received the results of that MRI.
I was sitting at my desk at work when the phone call from Tricia RN came in. She said that my MRI came back unremarkable and then went into a bunch of details which I tried to focus on. I kind of got lost in what was being said so I had to ask her to clarify things. Then clarity showed through, the fog lifted, the confusion dissipated. Tricia RN said that the results of the liver MRI show no sign of cancer. I had a clean MRI. Not inconclusive not so-so, but rather unremarkable ... clean ... no cancer indicated! Tricia RN said that in her line of work they don't get to give out good news often enough, and this was indeed good news. Talk about understatements! She then faxed me a copy of the MRI report which states "the liver is unremarkable." Never have there been better words written as a descriptor of me!
I waited until this morning to provide the answer to the blog because I wanted to tell my kids, mom, sister (and her family), Lori, Joan, David, Pete, TJ, Janette, and some other folks first.
As a reminder that this is still an ongoing adventure, and to be extra cautious, NIH wants me to return in one month to repeat CT scans of the chest, abdomen and pelvic area; a PET scan of the torso; and another MRI of the liver. This is actually appealing to me (in a demented, twisted sort of way) in that I want to stay on top of "the beast" and continue to keep it at bay. That way I can claim overall victory some day.
For those that may be curious, NIH also reviewed the Kaiser CT scan and Washington Hospital Center PET scan again and believe that what was picked up was waste material in the bowel as opposed to a cancerous mass. Tricia indicated that this possibility was mentioned in the original reports from these scans.
So, I continue on this cancer adventure striving for unremarkable. I hope that my fellow cancer fighters that I have been talking to (Tom K, Mary, Sheri to name a few) will get to "unremarkable" and some others (Toby, Molly, Judith to name another few) will be able to stay at "unremarkable." Its a pretty great place to be!
Life is Good .... even if described as unremarkable sometimes.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Super-Di-Duper CT Results
NIH has let me know that the results of the 3 Phase, High Resolution, "Super-Di-Duper" CT Scan are inconclusive. So they have schedule me for a High Resolution, "Super-Di-Duper" MRI of my liver on Tuesday to try and resolve any ambiguities. I have to admit that I'm sitting on pins & needles. At least it didn't come back positive!!! Stand by, there's more to come!
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