On the eve of Memorial Day Weekend I find that I am a bit melancholy and pensive in thoughts. I would guess this to be appropriate given the reason for the holiday. Being pensive is not a bad thing every now and then as it gives one a chance to get in touch with ones thoughts. So, here's a couple of things that have crossed my mind over the course of the last few days.
In the course of the recent "downs & ups" of my Adventure I have found that there are those that believe in you, those that write you off readily, and then there are the majority of folks that land somewhere in between. Likely the in-betweeners are the wisest of the groups. That way they are able to expect the outcome, whatever it may be and prepare for it as best as possible. I have to admit that my thoughts could have been described as in-between at times too. I found that I was unwavering in my will to fight the Beast to the end, but I also had to contemplate the end should it not turn out as I hoped it would. Think of it as looking at parallel paths to very different destinations. Its very disconcerting to think that way.
Recently I have found great strength in something my daughter Emily said to me. In fact it was just a couple of evenings ago. She flat out told me that the Beast is gone and that it is not coming back. Wow, I really love her resolve. She has this force of personality that really could will the Beast away. In fact, she is quite the force to be reckoned with all on her own. I am comforted that she has no doubts when avowing that the Beast is not coming back. There is no questioning in her voice, mannerisms, or resolve. Thus, she told me that those that are still scared of what the outcome might be, just need to be convinced that the Beast is gone, like she is. Then their fear will be gone too. Its all quite simple with Emily's resolve.
Understandably, there are others that may question Emily's conclusion a bit more. People with more life experience than my 16 year old daughter (can she really be that old) often times have more trouble simply believing. Some that have gone through this with me in an up-close-and personal way may find it difficult to simply accept. I'll admit that in the back of my mind (OK probably not all the way in the back of it) I too wonder if this is just a reprieve, or is the Beast really going to stay gone for good. I guess only time will tell for sure. However, I can not go forward in fear, otherwise I will not be able to enjoy my life. I need to go forward with Emily's resolve in my heart too. I need to really live, otherwise the Beast will have been able to exact a toll on me, my family, those that I love, my friends, and everyone that helped me through the tougher times. If I should waiver on this resolve, well, then there is some measure of defeat, and I can not accept that. I want things to get back to some form of normal again. Sure, there are some fairly obvious physical changes that will never get back to normal. After all, I will never be able to replace a lost stomach! However, I am gaining weight and I have goals in mind to help motivate my physical recovery. Now I need to add to that with more internal strength. More of Emily's resolve perhaps. Whatever it is, I know this, the strength (both internal and physical) will come! With this strength, my new normal will continue to evolve.
So, now that the "down & up" part of the Adventure seems to be on an "up" for the foreseeable future, I will start to use one of my lesser recited mantras (which I know I used when I was first diagnosed) a bit more: Watch me Live. And of course, the greatest revenge that I can take upon the Beast is to live well. Take that Beast!
8 comments:
You are one of the toughest people I know and I have no doubt that you are going to live life to the fullest for a long, long time! - Veronica
Ebs, I was looking forward to seeing you coach Doug's and your team a week ago Sunday...I showed up at Avalon, but no, the game had been rained out...so I'm looking for another date to see you work your magic from the sidelines.
Tom G
You have to realize that we ALL are going to die eventually, some sooner,some later,and none of us know when or time will be up. I could get run over by a car today. I think the lesson here is to just live each day as if it were the last day of your life... live it to the fullest,and do not put off the things on your 'bucket list' -just do them now. That is what we 'senior citizens' have learned. Try to not dwell in the past; live for today,and live the day to the fullest!
Emily is wise. The Beast only wins if we let it take away our love of life. I once told my oncologist that there were days when my fear of dying was taking away the joy of living. I've learned that sometimes there are days like that, but how great is it that we are alive to have such days??
I've been looking at the ocean for the past few days and enjoying the sun, the breeze, and even the raindrops. I can breathe deeply and even forget the "C" word for a while. There was a time when I wondered if I would ever wake up again without having my first thought be, "I have cancer." It took a long, long while, but it isn't my first waking thought any more, although I don't think I've ever gone through a whole day since the diagnosis when I haven't thought of it. Perhaps, just as it is no longer my first waking thought, there may come a time when I can go for a whole day without thinking about it. For me, this is the reality of being a survivor. But I am a survivor, and you are survivor. And as long as we can call ourselves survivors, life is good, isn't it?
Steve, here's an anecdote I think you will like.
My wife, Jan, and I were at a party about three weeks ago, 4 couples total. Three of the people were long term cancer survivors. Jan had thyroid cancer, starting in 1974, which came back twice and needed to have massive doses of radiation in 1982 to finally kill it, but she is living life at its fullest. One of the other men had cancer in the stomach area in 1966. The third man, 19 years ago, was given three months to live due to his recently discovered pancreatic cancer -- yet here he was, drinking wine with the rest of us, running his architectural firm, 19 years later.
Thought you might like to know,
All my best,
Tom G
The BEAST is gone! Live your life to the fullest, Steve knowing that we are all here praying for you daily! Be blessed, my friend!
Steve,
Good news indeed. I believe I saw you at the May 23rd DC United game.
It appeared you were on the track infield going to meet the players at the end of the match. I saw Emily and your younger daughter with you. I hope they got plenty of autographs if that is why you were all down there. Thanks so much for sharing this journey with us.
All the Best!
Dave
this is such a nice blog- i am very very very happy for you and pray for everyone waiting for those words "unremarkable" on their various test results. good luck to you! I hope the words "remarkable or inconclusive" are never uttered again on any test results anywhere in the world.
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